Reflecting On Losing a Father pt 4: The Lessons

In part three of this series, I shared how God used many different people, as well as scriptures to comfort me in my hour of tragedy. In this post, I would like to share a few of the lessons that God taught me through this tragedy.

Brevity of life

 

Life is short. We here it said again and again in many different contexts. However we don’t really grasp this concept when everyone who we have always been close to is still alive. I mean, we know students in high school who had died in car wrecks and other similar situations, but it doesn’t sink in that our days are numbered until we lose someone that we love.

James 4:13-15 says: “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”– yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

My father was quite healthy, and after all, he was only 58 years old. However, he had his heart attack seemingly out of the blue, here one day, and gone the next. This helped me to get a much firmer grasp on this passage in James. Our lives really are so short, and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Our lives are truly but a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow. Therefore we must live every day in light of this truth. Don’t live for the things of earth that have no eternal value, rather spend your life pursuing that which has eternal significance.

Keeping short accounts

 

The evening before my parents and sister left NC to travel down to Florida that fateful summer in 2006 was the last time that I ever saw my father alive. That evening we were driving through downtown Winston-Salem, and getting a little confused by all of the one way streets. My dad wanted to go one way, and I was instructing him to go another way. When he didn’t listen to my suggestion, I let him know very clearly that I wasn’t exactly thrilled that he didn’t go the direction that I had told him would get us to our destination. After all, this is the town the “I” have lived in for the past two years right?? Our voices were raised and neither of us were too happy about the situation. Nonetheless, we did both calm down and apologize a little later. I then told him that I loved him and that I hope he would have a good trip. Little did I know that it would be the last words I would ever speak to him in this life.

Now what if I had gotten upset with him and never made it right? What if the last words that I had said to him were something out of anger, because he hadn’t listened to my directions? How do you think I would feel the rest of my life whenever it would come to mind? I would feel guilt, probably even to this day if that had been the case. However, since we did get things right, there are no regrets on my part.

Eph 4:26 says: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,” it is so important to keep current with friends and family. Is there something between you and a loved one? Something that you need to clear the air about? I would encourage you to do so. Rom 12:18 says: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” You may not be able to change the other person’s attitudes or responses, but it is so freeing when you know that you left things on a positive note with someone you love who has passed away. This is so important to keep in mind when relating to your loved ones who are alive now, because you never know if the next time you see someone will be the last time you see them.

God prepares us of every situation

Throughout college I worked for the school as a security guard. Being on security always gave me a good bit of time to think and reflect on things. I’m a thinker…if I’m not thinking about a current issue in my life, I’ll be thinking about some doctrinal issue or working through some passage of scripture in my mind or something of that nature. I remember one night on security, about a year before my father passed away, I was making one of my rounds and a random thought popped into my mind: “how would I react if I lost one of my parents?” I tried to shake the thought by thinking “this is ridiculous! Neither of them are going to die anytime soon!” but I just couldn’t get that thought out of my mind.

Finally I took the time to entertain it. I thought about different people who I know have lost loved ones, and how many of them have reacted in bitterness towards God. I determined right then and there that I did not want to be that way if I should find myself in such a situation. I decided that I wanted to always rely on the truth of God’s Word, and should I find myself suffering such a loss, I wanted to be an example of how to handle grief.

The same day that my father passed away, my mind immediately went to the night on security when I had thought through all of that. It brought so much comfort, having already dealt with the choice of how I could respond, long before I ever needed to live it out.

Another example would be when I had the opportunity to comfort Ashley the night that she was dealing with her own father’s heart attack which she shared in the past post. It is interesting how God works. Just the week prior to that, a coworker of mine lost his father suddenly to a heart attack. Just a few short days before Ashley’s dad had his, I found myself going through the grief of my own father’s passing while I lifted up my coworker and his family in prayer. Therefore, a few days after, when Ashley’s dad had his, I was able to be the emotional pillar that she needed to fall back on since I had been able to work through my own grief a few days earlier.

God is the father of the fatherless

The night that my father passed away, as I was lying in bed, one of the guys in the dorm came into my room when he heard the news. He shared with me about how God had comforted him when he lost someone close in his life. The then looked me in the eyes and said: “Chris, never forget that God is the Father to the fatherless. Although our dad is gone, God will always be a father to you. This is a truth that God has comforted me with many times, and continues to do so even as I write this post.

The psalmist reminds us in: Ps 68:5 “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.” God gives us fathers to point us to him, who is our ultimate father. He puts us in the care of human fathers, but they are in reality simply stewards of us, as God has entrusted us to their care, to rear us in the fear and admonition of him. Therefore, regardless of whether God takes our father’s home early in our lives, or later in our lives, it is so important to remember that ultimately God is our one true father.

As you spend this father’s day with you father…or being honored by your children, do not miss the opportunity to tell both your fathers, and your children just how much you love them. Always interact with them as if this were your last conversation with them…and never forget that your life is but a vapor, here today and gone the next. So make it count! Don’t waste it pursuing materialism, and other things that will burn up as wood, hay and stubble. Rather spend it pursuing that which will remain, that which counts for eternity. As Paul reminds us in Rom 10:12 “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.”

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Reflecting On Losing a Father pt 3: The Leaning

In the last post we took a look at what it was like the day that I lost my father. As I was writing that post, a flood of emotions came back to me as I remembered how I felt that day. It was a difficult time for sure. Never before or since had I suffered so great a loss as the day that I lost him. But you know what? The story didn’t end there. God did not leave me wallowing in my grief with no source of comfort. That day, and in the months and years to come God comforted me in such an incredible way…and also used this tragedy in my life to be a source of comfort to others. This is what I would like to talk about in this post.

After I got off of the phone with my mother and sister just after my father passed away, I ventured out of my dorm room in a daze, wondered down the hallway of the men’s dorm and came to rest in the stairway, sitting down at a window overlooking the main entrance to the building. I stared blankly out the window, simply trying to absorb the weight of the news that I had just received. Shortly after I sat down there, I saw Eric Richter, the Dean of men at PBC walking toward the doorway. I realized that someone must have called him and informed him as to what had happened. Sure enough he came in and sat down next to me in the stairway. “How ya doing Chris?” he asked. “shocked and devastated” I replied. He then proceeded to put his arm around me and pray with me. This set the tone for the rest of the evening in which the Lord used many people to comfort me.

No sooner had Mr. Richter left, then my grandparents and aunt who lived in town came in. I took them to my room and they sat with me and talked with me for a little while. They also prayed with me and went home for the evening. As they were leaving, two of my classmates from the aviation maintenance school came in. over the next hour, one by one they all started showing up until we had about 10-15 people crowded in my tiny little dorm room. They stayed for several hours laughing with me, crying with me, talking with me and praying with me. The Lord also used them greatly to comfort me that evening.

My classmates left about 10:30-11oclock at night so I went to bed shortly after. As I lied awake in bed, finding sleep so hard to come by, there was nobody else in my room to offer me comfort. That’s when it struck me, that God is my ultimate source of comfort. That night, as in many others since then, I found a much deeper sense of comfort in God as my father than I ever had before. I began to understand what it means when the Bible says that God is the Father of the fatherless. 2Cor 1:3 tells us that God is the God of all comfort…and that is what he became to me that night more than ever before.

A week later, I traveled back home to Nassau, Bahamas for the funeral. As nice as it was to see friends and family again, the circumstances under which we were gathered were less than ideal. However, there was one verse that kept appearing during that time, in which I found great comfort. Ps 116:15 says:

“Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.”

I realized just how true this verse really is! It is precious in God’s sight, because he is calling a faithful saint back home to be with Him. Also, knowing that my dad was a believer in itself made it easier. Paul writes in 1Thess 4:13-14

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”

This verse is such a great reminder that death is not hopeless! Those who have died in Christ will one day be raised from the dead because Christ was raised from the dead! This is why Paul can quote Hosea in 1Cor 15:55 saying:

“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”

Several months later I was reading through Isaiah and a passage jumped out of the pages and hit me like a ton of bricks. Isaiah 57:1 says: “The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity” immediately my mind went to King Hezekiah. Hezekiah was a righteous king, one of the few that Judah had known. In 2Kings 20 we find him sick and on his death bed. God sent the prophet Isaiah to tell the King to get his house in order because he would die as a result of this illness. Hezekiah begged and pleaded with the Lord to grant him longer life…so God granted him 15 more years. However, it was during the extra 15 years that disaster came.

2Kings 20:12-18 says:

“At that time Merodach-baladan the son of Baladan, king of Babylon, sent envoys with letters and a present to Hezekiah, for he heard that Hezekiah had been sick. And Hezekiah welcomed them, and he showed them all his treasure house, the silver, the gold, the spices, the precious oil, his armory, all that was found in his storehouses. There was nothing in his house or in all his realm that Hezekiah did not show them. Then Isaiah the prophet came to King Hezekiah, and said to him, “What did these men say? And from where did they come to you?” And Hezekiah said, “They have come from a far country, from Babylon.” He said, “What have they seen in your house?” And Hezekiah answered, “They have seen all that is in my house; there is nothing in my storehouses that I did not show them.” Then Isaiah said to Hezekiah, “Hear the word of the LORD: Behold, the days are coming, when all that is in your house, and that which your fathers have stored up till this day, shall be carried to Babylon. Nothing shall be left, says the LORD. And some of your own sons, who shall be born to you, shall be taken away, and they shall be eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.”

King Hezekiah gave many of the secrets of the land to Babylon AFTER God extended his life. Had Hezekiah accepted his death at God’s appointed time, none of that would have happened…at least Hezekiah would not have been a part of it. I also took comfort in this, not knowing exactly how this applied to my father passing away at 58, but realizing nonetheless that maybe God had taken my father home when he did to spare him from some calamity.

Several months after my dad’s passing, I was back in my dorm after a long day of A&P School. It was one of those times when I could tell I was going to have a heavy moment of grief, so I went up to my buddy Ryan Owen’s room. No sooner had I found him, I burst into tears. I knew immediately what was going on. He came over to me and put his arms around me as I sobbed. While he did offer me words of comfort, he also challenged and encouraged me to not get bitter against God…no matter what happens.

But the story doesn’t end with how God comforted me. 2Cor 1:3-5 says:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”

About a year and a half after my dad’s passing, the Lord laid it on my mother’s heart to start a widow’s support group for the various newly widowed ladies in my church back in the Bahamas. In the years following my father’s death, the Lord gave me several opportunities to comfort several other friends who lost their fathers as well.

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Reflecting On Losing a Father pt 2: The Loss

Dad and I at Sugar Vally Airport (Missionary Aviation Airport)

It was a Thursday morning, just like any other day in North Carolina. I stumbled out of bed at 5:45 and poured myself a cup of coffee as I got dressed for Aircraft Mechanics school. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes I couldn’t help but think about how 5 and a half hours is just not enough sleep. We leave the campus at 7, drive to the airport in time for 7:30 class. Then we are in A&P school until 4:30, get back to the main campus at 5, barely enough time for me to change into my security uniform and do guard duty by 5:15 until 11pm. Then get up at 5:45am and do it all over again.

As I fumbled through the pages of scripture, I couldn’t help but thank the Lord for the time that I’d just been able to spend with my family. Since Aviation Maintenance school is 8hours a day, 5 days a week for 12 months straight, with about a week and a half off broken up into 3 breaks, this schedule doesn’t lend itself very well to being able to take vacation with family. However, since my sister decided to take a year off of college, both my parents decided to fly to Florida, rent a minivan, and drive up to Pennsylvania to help my sister pack up her belongings and move back to the Bahamas with them. It was on the way back down that they decided to stop in to North Carolina and spend a week of vacation with me. They stayed in a local hotel, and I was able to stay with them while they were in town. I got all of my homework for that week done a week early, and took the entire week off of my security job while they were in town so that I could vacation with them in the evenings.

They left early that Sunday morning to drive down to Florida, where they stayed with my uncle and aunt in Ocala. My mother had to leave the next day (Monday) in order to be back at work. However, my father and sister were able to stay with my family in Ocala until Thursday. That Wednesday, (unknown to me) my father and uncle were doing some heavy lifting right after lunch, when my father had to take a break saying “I can’t lift this anymore…I feel a little off”. He assumed that it was because they had just eaten a large meal, and he had not allowed his food to settle. As the day transitioned into the evening, while he did not feel horrible, he still felt as though something inside was a little off. When he talked to my mother that night on the phone, she encouraged him to get a porter to carry his and my sister’s luggage all the way when they traveled back to Nassau the next day.

The next morning was a Thursday morning, and started out just like any other day for me. We made our way out to the Aviation Maintenance school after eating a typical, debatably eatable breakfast in the school’s cafeteria. The day progressed quite normally (a few hours of lecture, time to work on maintenance projects, more lecture etc.) until about 4:15 pm, when I heard over the PA system: “Chris Cartwright, you have an emergency phone call, line 101, Chris Cartwright, you have an emergency phone call, line 101.” I closed the workbook that I was working on, rose from my seat made my way to the phone just outside the classroom door. As I walked over to the phone, my mind was racing. “What on earth could this be about?…Dad and Candi were supposed to fly home from Florida a few hours ago…did they make it alright?”

I picked up the receiver and pressed the button labeled “Line 1”. “Hello?” I said. “Hey Chris, its mom” my mother replied. “What’s going on mom? The secretary here at the maintenance school said that it was an emergency.” “yes…”she replied. She explained about what had happened the day before in Florida when my dad was lifting mattresses with my uncle. She then went on to tell me that… “when I picked Candi and Dad up from the airport, he told me that he still was not feeling well, and that he just wanted to go home. So we decided to stop by the cardiologist on the way home from the airport. When we got there, we explained the events of yesterday and the Doctor promptly ran some tests. The results came back quickly and showed that Dad had suffered a major heart attack about 24 hours ago. He called for an ambulance to take dad to Doctors Hospital now to have a heart catheterization to see how extensive the damage is.” “Mom! He is going to be alright isn’t he??” I said. “I don’t know” she replied. “he is in surgery right now and we’ll just have to see how he is when he gets out. Be praying for him…have your class praying for him. I’ll give you a call when you get back to your dorm room as soon as I know more. In the mean time PRAY!”

I hung up the phone and rushed back into the classroom. I told the instructor as well as the other students who were there what had happened. I broke down in tears about half way through. Bradley Blank, the maintenance instructor stepped in front of the class and lifted up my father to the Lord in prayer.

Dexter Kirby

It was a long and quiet ride back from the airport that day. My thoughts were racing yet my mind was blank at the same time. Everything seemed surreal, like I was in a fog. When I arrived back at my dorm room, the first thing I did was to check my answering machine.” No new messages.” The answering machine told me. “I guess no news is good news right?” I thought. I then made my way to my RA’s room which was next-door to mine. Dexter Kirby was his name, a fellow island boy, as he hailed from St Vincent. I told him right away what was going on. He immediately proceeded to pray also for my father. He told me to come find him as soon as I found out something. I went back to my room and sat there in silence…anticipating the phone call. A few short minutes later, the ringing of the phone pierced the silence. I pressed the talk button and placed the receiver to my ear. “Hello?” I said. Three short words in my sister’s voice responded to my greeting: “Chris, dad’s dead.” My head began spinning. I was unable to make sense of what I had just heard. “what do you mean?” I responded. “he’s dead, he didn’t make it through the surgery.” She replied. “Is mom there? Can you put her on?” I asked. “Sure, just a second.” She replied. Moments later I heard my mother’s voice confirming the news that my sister had delivered to me seconds earlier.

As she explained to me as best she could what the Doctors had told her, her voice faded out and I began sobbing uncontrollably. Seconds later, Dexter came in and found my standing in the middle of the room, paralyzed with grief. It didn’t take long for him to figure out what the outcome had been. He came over beside me, put his arms around me and sat me down in a chair. He proceeded to place his arms around me and comforted me until I regained my composure and was able to think again.

That evening, and in the following days, weeks and months, the Lord used many people as well as his Word to bring comfort to me. I will share more about the comfort side of things in the next post. In the mean time, don’t take for granted the time that you have with those who you love. Are you a parent? Wrap your child in your arms and remind them how much you love them. Are they out of the home? Call them and tell them. Are your parents still alive? Call them and tell them how much you love them. Don’t take your time with them for granted…thinking you will spend the rest of your life with them. You just never know when you might get a page that you have an emergency phone call on line one.

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Reflecting On Losing a Father pt 1: The Legacy

All of us have or will experience a time in our lives, when we are going about life as normal, nothing more than the day to day cares capturing our thoughts. Our routine seems to be going along without a hitch. Then suddenly we get the unexpected phone call, or pulled aside by a loved one and we are told news that will change our lives forever. My one such experience occurred 6 years ago, on May 18^th 2006 when I received a phone call informing me that my seemingly healthy, 58 year old father passed away from a heart attack. My goal for this series is to celebrate my Father, Christopher Paul Cartwright (who went by Paul)…remembering who he was; how he died; the comfort that God brought about after his death; and the lessons that God has taught me through it all.

I would like to take the rest of the time in this post to remember His life. Christopher Paul Cartwright was born in Nassau Bahamas on November 14^th 1947 to Cecil and Winnie Cartwright. Paul was an 11^th generation Bahamian, and was the youngest of three sons, David and Kenny being his older brothers. At 7 years old He received Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, which was quite evident in his life as he grew up. In his early 20s, my father, along with Dewitt Nottage; Frank Smith and Leroy Higgs founded the Bahamas Youthtime Quartet, who were known for their excellent acapella harmony. They blessed many audiences throughout the Bahamas, Caribbean, and elsewhere.

My father attended both primary and secondary school (elementary and high school) at Queens College (QC) in Nassau Bahamas. Upon graduating from QC my father went to work for his father’s company C.R.C. Cartwright Ltd. And later went on to work at Union Warf Development Ltd. After taking several years off of school, my father then enrolled in Clearwater Christian College (CCC) located in Clearwater Fl. in 1973 where he earned his B.A. in Psychology in 1977. He was the first of many Bahamians to attend CCC. He then went on to obtain his Masters degree in guidance and counseling from Rollins College in Winter Park Fl.

During his growing up years he attended Central Gospel Chapel where his family served faithfully. It was during this time that a young lady named Priscilla Beverly (whose parents served as missionaries on Cat Island Bahamas) came to Nassau to teach first grade at Kingsway Academy. During her time in Nassau, Priscilla also attended Central Gospel Chapel where she and my father got to know each other. After developing a friendship over a few years, Paul and Priscilla realized that their friendship had grown into something much deeper. On April 21 1973, shortly after Priscilla finished college at Clearwater, and right before Paul began his college education, they were wed.

In 1981, after Paul graduated from Rollins, he and my mother moved back to Nassau to work with long time friend Dr. David Allen in his private counseling practice. Later he joined the Ministry of Health and worked along with Dr. Tim McCartney in the department of Child and Adolescent development at Sandilands Hospital, and also with Dr. David Allen at Community Psychiatric Services/Knowles House. In 1988 he became the first manager of Logos Bookstore and early in 1989 he joined the staff of Christian Counseling Center as a fulltime counselor. For the following 18 years, up until his death, he faithfully served at the Center, providing a safe haven and helping numerous hurting people from all walks of life. He enjoyed a close working relationship with colleagues Pastor Fred and Helen Arnett, Ms Paula Adderly, Ms Julia Whymns and others who have worked at the Center over the years.

On April 19^th of 1986, after several years of not being able to have children, the Lord surprised them with twins, Christopher and Candi Cartwright. My father was an excellent example of what a godly husband should look like; constantly modeling for my sister and I what it means for a husband to love his wife like Christ Loved the Church. He always put the needs of his family above many other things, and he personally sacrificed much to make sure that we were well taken care of.

My father was a great example of what a godly father should be. He modeled integrity for us on a daily basis. He was my best friend and greatest counselor. While many men choose to use their precious free time to pursue various hobbies, my father devoted every Thursday night to me, taking me out to drive around the island, answering my many questions about all areas of life. I can remember many times, whenever someone would notice and admirable character quality in my life, they would say “yes…you are definitely Paul’s son!” This always meant so much for me to hear, and is a continual reminder to me, even to this day of what incredibly large shoes I have to fill in living up to the legacy that he left behind.

My father touched countless lives as he poured God’s Word into their lives while counseling them. I can recall 3 occasions, 3 different years of my school days when my father came to my school to pick me up and a random classmate (who I had no idea knew my dad) would run to him and throw their arms around him. On each occasion they would explain to me later that “if it wasn’t for your father, I would be in a gang today” or “if it wasn’t for your father, I would be in jail”. After his death, my sister, my mother and I have all had various individuals come to us and say: “if it wasn’t for your father/husband,  my marriage would have ended years ago” or “if it wasn’t for your father/husband, I would have committed suicide”.

I can still see his smiling face as he would walk through the door after a long day’s work. He would walk in with the lenses of his glasses darkened by the sun, while whistling a tune or singing a hymn with his rich baritone voice. Many people have said that his jovial demeanor would always be the one thing that would brighten up their day. What an incredible loss it was when God called him into eternity on May 18^th 2006. This is what I would like to share about in my next post.

If Paul Cartwright touched your life in some way, please leave a comment sharing what he meant to you.

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