Dating Done Differently Pt 10: What Does A God-Honoring Relationship Look Like?

So you have prepared yourself to be ready for this phase of life. You have observed someone you are interested in for several months, and now you have initiated (or HE has initiated), while showing respect for the authorities in her life…and all systems are go! What now? What are some important principles and guidelines to keep in mind while progressing from a friendship to marriage (or discovering that God is leading you two to just be friends)? I would like to wrap up this series on “Dating Done Differently” by sharing some important principles to keep in mind.

Remember, as we discussed in the second post of the series, the purpose of the Dating/Courting relationship is to prayerfully see if God is leading the two of you together in marriage while keeping Christ first, and pursuing the best interest of the other. So with this in mind…let’s dive in!

Take It Slow!

During the beginning of a relationship, most people don’t know 100% whether God is leading them together in marriage or not. This is why it is a very good idea to use the first few months of this bran new relationship as an opportunity to ask more intentional questions, finding more important facts about the person while keeping the emotions out of it as much as is possible. This is important because once you allow yourself to get emotionally attached to a person, it is VERY HARD to be able to objectively evaluate them. If the facts are skewed by our emotions, it will be way too easy to overlook red flags that may pop up…and you may find yourself in a very bad situation. Jer 17:9 says: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it!” Our emotions are about as stable as nitroglycerine, and it can be a very dangerous thing to merely “follow your heart.” Instead, we MUST follow truth, regardless of what our emotions tell us.

So what are some things that we can do to keep the emotions down, and allow us to be more objective in this early evaluatory stage in the relationship? First of all, avoid saying and doing romantic things early on. Romantic terms of endearment can and will usually get the heart going much faster than it should, thus keeping the person from being objective during this critical beginning stage in the relationship. As the relationship progresses, and the level of commitment deepens, there will be more and more of a place for romance…but if it only ends in friendship, not beginning with romance helps to ensure that both hearts remain intact.

There are three little words that are VERY powerful: “I Love You” these three words are thrown around and devalued so much in our culture. However, 1Cor 13:4-7 has this to say about Love: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” WOW!! Love is soooo much more than a feeling! So why on earth would you say these words to a person merely based upon an emotional feeling? This passage of scripture describes love as a selfless, others-serving, self-sacrificial action. Make sure that you are actually showing love to the other person by fulfilling these verses before you dare to utter these words. I personally have chosen to wait until engagement before a young lady will hear these words in her ears.

Getting Physical

Another thing that gets emotions going much faster than they should is becoming physical with the person. So am I speaking about sex? Yes…but soooo much more as well! I have heard it said by many professing believers “Well, the Bible only addresses not having sex before marriage, so everything else is ok!” To this mentality I strongly disagree! True, the Bible does address abstaining from sex outside the context of marriage…but there are principles that deal with much broader physical relationship.

In 1Tim5:1-2 Paul tells Timothy: “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” It is interesting that Paul tells Timothy (and thus all other men) to treat younger women as sisters, in all purity. This is a principle that apples in dating relationships and plutonic friendships alike. A good question to ask is: “Is it treating a young woman in all purity when you have your hands and lips all over her?”

It is important to set up physical standards, and abide by them. If you decide that the two of you don’t want to go any farther than holding hands and putting his arm around her before marriage, than it is NOT wise to start the relationship out by doing such, because there is always a desire for more. Also, respect the other person in this! Ladies, if he wants to wait a while before holding hands, don’t pressure him! Guys, if she wants to save kissing until her wedding day…don’t steal that from her!! this is all part of putting the other person’s needs above your wants.

Respecting Authority

This goes hand in hand with my last post. Both in initiating a relationship and in operating in one, you should always be submitted to authority. Men, you are not her authority until you tie the knot. Therefore it is important that you acknowledge and respect her parents’ role as her authority while you are dating and engaged. This would include things like asking their guidance in the relationship, being open and honest about where the two of you are (regarding the relationship), asking their permission if you would like to hold her hand, etc. doing so shows them that not only that you respect them as her parents, but also their God-given role as her protectors until they hand her off to another.

Seeking Advice

Just like before you enter into a relationship, it is still vital that you seek Godly council on the matter after you have begun the relationship. But now there can be a new and exciting element of seeking council! As you move farther along in the relationship, it is a good idea to seek guidance together. Obviously you should save premarital counseling until engagement, but before that, take the time to meet together with older Godly couples. Ask them questions, glean from the decades of marital wisdom that they possess. What a great opportunity for discussion between the two of you!

Open Communication

As you get to know each other better, ask questions. Be open and honest with things. Cultivate a relationship that is built on open communication. Don’t leave the other person guessing. Don’t do things behind their back. If you see a red flag, talk about it! If at any point you believe the Lord is only leading you two to a friendship, express it. If you believe God is leading you two closer together, talk about it. Starting now with open communication will help set up for a healthy pattern for a marriage, should God lead in that direction.

Alone Time

As you progress in your relationship, it is vital that you have time just the two of you, to talk about things, as well as to get a feel for how you interact with each other beyond group settings. It is soooo important that you can ask each other questions and talk about issues without a third party present. HOWEVER, with this being said, I believe that a good standard is to remain within the public eye. While it may just be the two of you, make sure you are spending your alone time in a place where you can be seen by others. This is so important because of Romans 13:14 which says: “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” It is very unwise to spend time alone in each others’ apartments, or other places where there is no one else around. No matter how high your standards are, we all still have the flesh. We are all susceptible to temptation, therefore it is vital that we don’t put ourselves in a position where it becomes easy to rob each other of what should remain within the context of marriage.

Group and Family Settings

Just as important as alone time is time with each other in groups of other people as well as with family. It is important to see how you both interact with friends and family…both the other person’s and your own.

While much more could be said about all of the things mentioned in the last 10 posts, for sake of time and space, it is time to wrap it up. I hope that you have enjoyed this series, and that it has been helpful to you…feel free to comment if it has.

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Dating Done Differently Pt 9: Step up MEN! Pursue and LEAD!

 

Prayer, godly council, resting in God’s sovereignty, all of these are Important when it comes to considering starting a relationship…but whose responsibility is it to initiate?…

Male initiation

I guess the Bible doesn’t have much to say about who should initiate a relationship…or does it? Gen 2:24, an verse out of the earliest passage on marriage says this: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” This verse is repeated several times in the New Testament. While BOTH are to leave (their parents) and cleave (to each other) in a marriage, the command here is specifically given to a man. Why?…Because it is the man who God has ordained to initiate such a relationship. 1 Cor 11:3 says: “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” This passage not only shows who was created first, but it also shows the authority structure that God has designed to be within a marriage. Clearly , this passage alongside many others such as Eph 5:22-33 and 1Peter :1-7 show that God has designed the man to be the leader in a marriage.

Therefore, since the man is expected to lead within a marriage, he MUST also take up the leadership when it comes to initiating a relationship. If a woman initiates a dating relationship, then she is taking the lead, and setting the tone for a marriage in which the God ordained roles are reversed. In Proverbs 7, Solomon observes the folly of an adulterous relationship. He notices a young man, one who is described as a fool…and as one who lacks sense, traveling down the road to where the adulteress lives. a very interesting observation is that (while he is traveling down the road near her house), she is the one who initiates the relationship, as she comes out to meet him and tells him in v15 “so now I have come out to meet you, to seek you eagerly, and I have found you.” While it certainly cannot be said that every woman who pursues a man is an adulteress, there is still a heart attitude that is out of line with what God has designed in a relationship.

A woman may say: “But is seems that no man is pursuing me! How will I ever get married if I don’t pursue someone?” Again, this is why it is so important to trust in God’s sovereignty, His character, and his perfect plan and timing for every part of your life.

Be submitted to authorities

“Nobody’s gonna tell me what to do!” ‘I’m my own man!” “I don’t have to listen to anyone!” These are statements that show an ungodly mentality that runs rampant in our culture. Individualism and antiauthority attitudes are destroying our homes, churches, and our lives. we live in  a society that looks down on authority. But you know what? God has ordained various authority structures so that we can best function how he designed us to. God has ordained these authority structures in the government, the workplace, the church and…even the family!

So you are a young man who is ready for a relationship…you have observed a young lady for several months and you are ready to initiate a serious relationship. What do you do…do you go to her and share all of this with her? Going directly to her first would be going around the authorities that God has placed in her life to protect her. As we have looked at previously, God has ordained that the husband/father is the leader/authority within the home. Therefore, it is only right that you request his permission to pursue his daughter…whom God has placed under his authority to protect and provide for her. This is wise for many reasons.

In addition to the reasons already mentioned, talking to her father first takes a lot of unneeded pressure off of the young lady. If she is not interested in a relationship, and you share your intentions directly with her (without respecting her authorities), then she will feel incredibly pressured and uncomfortable, and might not be quite sure how to respond. However, if you discuss your intentions with her father first, this gives him the opportunity to talk and pray with both his wife and their daughter. If she and they say yes, they can relay that to him and proceed together. If she is not interested in a relationship or her parents don’t think it is a good idea, then her father can relay that information to the guy, thus taking the pressure off of her. Also men, if you talk to her father before you begin pursuing her, chances are she will respect you much more for doing so. The young man should also be submitted to authority… her parents say no to a relationship, he needs to respect them and their decision.

Our society today is riddled with broken homes, and even many supposedly Christian men are unwilling to man up and accept their responsibility to shepherd and protect their families (including their daughters). Unfortunately many young women find themselves in this position. If this is the case, hopefully she is a person submitted to authority, and has found other older godly father figures who can help her in this area…perhaps a pastor, an uncle, or a godly couple who can step in this role for her to some extent.

Parents…particularly FATHERS, I challenge you! Recognize the responsibility that God has given you! While you cannot control the actions of your children, you are called to shepherd and protect them. This includes the most important decision of their lives, apart from their salvation. You DO have a role to pay in this! Contrary to what society tells you, you do have authority and responsibility in your children’s lives! protect them while you shepherd them toward discovering the person that God has designed for them to spend the rest of their lives with!

So when you are in a relationship with someone, what role do emotions play? What about the physical side of it? In the next post we will wrap up the series with a look at some very important considerations to think through and keep in mind while you are in a relationship that is heading towards marriage. You are not going to want to miss this!

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Dating Done Differently Pt 8: Beginning a Relationship

So far in the series we have looked at the purpose of a dating relationship…which is an intentional relationship to get to know a person of the opposite sex to prayerfully consider if God is leading them together in marriage. We have also taken a good look at several important things to consider when considering a person of interest. I have also stressed (and can’t stress enough) the importance of observing a person before you commit to a relationship. In the last post I challenged you consider some areas as to whether you yourself are ready for a relationship. So, you have been observing a person for a while, and from what you can tell, they seem to be a very good potential…you like what you see. From the time you have spent around them it seems natural and comfortable. You believe that financially and maturity-wise you both will be ready for marriage in no more than a year or two. So…what next? How should you go about beginning a relationship?

We must remember that no two situations are the same, and that there is no magic formula, or a cookie-cutter 1-2-3 step process to which you must follow. However, there are principles which can and should apply to each situation.

Pray about it!

Proverbs 3:5-6 says: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” In all of our ways we are to acknowledge him. This has many implications. We are to remember that every good and perfect gift is from him. We are to be reminded that He works all things together for our good and for His glory. God is our father, who desires for us as His children to bring everything to him in prayer. This includes seeking his guidance when we are interested in someone. This is such a huge area of life that it is vital that we bring it before the Lord, and trust that He WILL make our paths straight.

Seek Council

This is almost as important as prayer. God designed us to function within the Body of Christ, and he has designed as Eph 4:15-16 tells us: “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” As members of the Body, we are to use our gifts to build each other up in Love. In Titus 2:1-8, Paul speaks to the importance of the older men teaching the younger, as well as the older women teaching the younger. A Huge part of this is seeking wisdom and guidance from those who are older than us concerning important life areas such as entering into a relationship.

Prov 23:22-23 says: “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. Buy truth, and do not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding.” This passage alongside many others speak to the importance of seeking wisdom and guidance from those who God has entrusted to raise us…our parents. There is much wisdom and advice to be gained from them, as they have lived much longer than us, and in many cases, they have been walking with God since before we were born. I do understand that many people out there do not have parents who are around to give them such advice…and if they do, they might not come from a biblical point of view. However, God still can and does bring godly older, wiser men and women to whom we can turn to for advice. This is true for those who don’t have godly parents, as well as those who do. With all the advice we get from people, we MUST filter ALL if it with God’s Word.

 

Trust in God’s sovereignty

This is always a difficult one. Any time when there is an unknown, a situation when we cannot see the outcome, it is always easy to worry, and doubt God’s provision. We must look to God’s good character. Jesus reminded the crowds in his sermon on the mount in Matt 7:9-11 “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” God delights in giving good gifts to his children! Also, Romans 8:28-29 says: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” God works all things out for our good! Regardless of whether it is the outcome that we desire or not, God is using these things in our lives to make us more like Christ. He always has a plan and a purpose!

Isa 55:8-9 says: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” When it comes to our wants, thoughts and desires, we must remember that we only see such a tiny piece of the picture while God sees the whole thing! Since he knows the big picture, and he desires good things for us and his thoughts are so much higher than ours, God is always working in our lives for our good. Another important verse to look at in relation to God’s sovereignty regarding starting a relationship is John 15:7 which says: “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” This verse is not a “blank check” so we can get “whatever we want”, rather it says IF we abide in Christ AND his words abide in us, only then can we ask whatever we wish…and expect it.

If we are finding our sustenance in Christ, and his words is DEEPLY abiding in us, and we are allowing it to transform our way of thinking, then we will be able to ask whatever we want and expect it because then and only then will our desires line up with God’s desires for our lives. In relation to beginning a relationship…if we are deeply pursuing a relationship with God and have been for some time, he will begin to lead you toward the person that he has for you. Then your desires will follow, since they will be aligned with his.

Prayer is absolutely vital! Proverbs tells us many many times that only a fool does not seek council. All throughout the process of pursuing (or being pursued), it is soooo important to rest in God’s sovereignty, and trust in his goodness. But who should be the one to initiate a relationship? Where does authority play into the picture? If you are the parent of someone who is ready for a relationship, what is your role in the whole thing? Read all about this in the next post!

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Dating Done Differently Pt 7: So…Are You Ready For a Relationship?

 We have spent the last 4 posts looking at what to look at in another person to see if he or she is worth pursuing a relationship with. But how do you know when you are ready? If you are a parent trying to shepherd your children, how do you know when they are ready? If you are ready, what are some things to think about as you consider entering into a relationship? While all of the topics looked at in the last four posts should be looked at in your own life, there are two big areas that I want to focus on in this post for you to consider in your own preparedness.

Age and Maturity

Most children enter into puberty between the ages of 11-13. During this time, their bodies are changing rapidly, their hormones are raging violently and they are experiencing the beginnings of a new stage of life in which they are transitioning from childhood to adulthood. During this time of change, it is very common for children to begin desiring romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex. This is a normal part of this stage in life, as God designed it to be this way. HOWEVER, just because someone desires a romantic relationship doesn’t meant that they are ready to participate in one. I believe that this is a time when parents should be looking for ways to prepare their children for a lifelong marital relationship, as opposed to letting their teenager go out on dates with other teenagers, whose maturity levels (and readiness for marriage) are still that of children, and allowing them to go through en emotional rollercoaster because they are trying to enter a stage of life which they are NOT ready to participate in.

We live in a culture where children are not encouraged to grow up. Secular psychology would term this stage “adolescence” which in most cases lasts from 12-13ish all the way up to 20-30something. During this time, children want all the privileges of adulthood (vehicle, phone, money, relationships, sex, etc) without assuming the responsibility of adulthood.

So how do parent help their children prepare for a God-honoring marriage relationship? Instead of allowing them to participate in dating, parents should be teaching their children vital life skills and values such as hard work; integrity; faithfulness; how to handle money; budgeting; paying bills; etc. Fathers should be teaching their sons how to lovingly lead in strength coupled with humility so that he can grow into a godly head of his household. Also fathers should also be teaching their sons how to WORK HARD, giving them more and more responsibility (and privileges as they prove themselves responsible) so that they can be great providers for their families. Likewise, mothers should be teaching their daughters how to manage the household and everything that is involved with that (which is also a lot of HARD WORK!). They should also be teaching their daughters how to submit to their husband’s God-ordained authority in their lives, as well as how to show them love and respect. The children should look to their parents for guidance in both determining if they are ready to enter into a relationship, and also who are worthy potentials.

“Awww! Isn’t that cute! My 13year old daughter Suzy has herself a boyfriend!” no, it’s NOT cute, it is allowing her to enter into a phase of life that will bring her face to face with many physical emotional dangers beacuse she is not old enough and mature enough to be in this life stage.

So what’s the magic age when a person is old enough to date? 14? 18? 20? No. there is no age set in stone. The question as to whether or not you are ready for such a relationship (or whether your kids are) is this: “Are you ready for marriage? Could you be ready to take on the responsibility of marriage in 1 or 2 years? If the answer is no, I would strongly caution you to wait a little while longer before considering entering into a relationship.

Financially

While this area is closely related to the maturity issue, there is enough specifics that I believe it bears dealing with separately. So how important is this? As I wrote before in the post entitles “Money Matters”, Statistics say that money disagreements are the number one reason for divorce in America. If this is true, than it means that not only is it important to be on the same page with each other about money before you get married, it is also important to make sure you both are financially ready to get married. So, if the purpose of a relationship is to prayerfully consider if God is leading the two of you together in marriage, you should take a good look at where you are financially first.

A good question to ask yourself if you are a guy is “Could I financially be ready to support a wife in a year or two?”Is there a good chance that your income will be high enough by that time to live off of? A few good questions about finances that you should ask yourself before considering a relationship are: “Do I live within my means now (do I spend less than I make)?” if you have income and expenses…“Do I operate off of a written budget…and is it balanced well?”do I have any debt…if so am I paying it off (Ps 37:21a says: “The wicked borrows but does not pay back,”)?” “Will I have to go in debt to get married or to live off of when I get married?” “do I buy things I can’t afford (Making care payments vs. paying for a car with cash;  buying things on a credit card which you don’t have the money to pay for)?” These are all good questions to ask yourself before entering into a relationship.

If you won’t be ready to take on the financial responsibilities that go along with marriage within a year or two, it may not be wise to consider entering into a dating/courtship relationship until you are…or at least seriously moving in that direction. You don’t want to be someone who dives into a relationship, only to find out that you lack the maturity to be in it, nor do you want to enter into a relationship financially unprepared to take on the responsibilities of marriage. So what if you are ready to proceed? What are some things to keep in mind as to how to go about entering a relationship? This will be the topic of the next post. Don’t miss it!

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Dating Done Differently Pt 6: It’s What’s Inside That Counts!

When it comes to what to look for when it comes to evaluating a particular interest, so far we have looked at the condition of their soul; their spiritual maturity; their family life; how teachable are they?; overall maturity; and how they handle money. Before we conclude this section, there are a few more areas that bear mentioning.

Submitted to Authority

God places authorities in each of our lives, and commands us to be submitted to them. Parents, Pastors, Employers, legal and other human authorities, and ultimately God himself are some of the authorities that God’s Word commands us to be submitted to. So, how does he/she view the authorities in their life? Does he or she submit to them…or resist them? Men, if she doesn’t respect the authorities in her life now, chances are that she will not follow your leadership and submit to your authority if you marry her. Women, if he does not respect the authorities that God has placed in his life now, chances are that he will not submit himself to authorities or listen to counsel after you are married…drastically increasing the chances of dangerously leading you astray.

Character

While this topic has a lot to do with spiritual maturity, it is more specific, and is something that is strengthened as a person matures spiritually. Therefore I believe that it deserves mentioning here by itself. When I speak of character, I am speaking of specific character qualities that should be increasing in a person’s life. Integrity; trustworthiness; honesty; purity; purity of speech; humility; and the list goes on. A person of character is NOT someone who is prefect in these areas…none of us are as we still battle with a sinful heart. However, a person of character is one who desires to grow to be more like Christ, and is visibly growing in these areas of character. Do you see your interest growing in these areas? What to others say about their character? Are they known for being a Christ-like person? The answer should be a clear YES before you ever consider entering into a relationship with them.

Biblical Man

Now I would like to take just a little bit of time to share two passages of scripture that gives some clear qualities for a young lady to look for to be present in a man whom she is considering. Let me make is clear that the context of these passages in NOT dating, marriage, or any such thing. The context is qualities that must be present in a man’s life for him to be qualified to be a pastor. However, I believe that this application can be made. 1Tim3:2 starts out by saying: “Therefore an overseer must…” and then goes on to list the various characteristics that must be present in his life to serve as a Pastor. A man has no biblical grounds for serving as a Pastor unless these are present in his life. However these are qualities that ALL Christian men should have, but are not present in all of our lives.  since I believe that the qualities listed in these two passages should be in every believing man’s life, I believe that these passages provide a good biblical basis which a young lady can use to evaluate whether a young man is a good marriage potential or not.

1Tim3:1-7 “This saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.”

Here is another passage with some of the same, and some other qualities to look for:

 Titus 1:5-9 “This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you– if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.”

Obviously some of these qualifications directly deal with men who have families…but there are principles that still be drawn from these qualifications which can apply to
young men who do not have a wife and children as of yet. Husband of one wife: is he a flirt? Does he hop from one relationship to the next? Or is he a one woman man? Rule his household well: Does he do a good job in the areas of leadership in which he is currently entrusted with? Obviously none of these qualities will be fully mature in a guy who is a potential…but are they at least there in seed form? Do you see these things growing and abounding in his life?

 

Biblical Woman

As far as scriptural guidelines for what a man should look for in evaluation a woman as a potential spouse, there is one passage that jumps to everyone’s mind. This is a passage that should come to mind, because this is EXACTLY the context in which it was written. Prov 31:1 says: “The words of King Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught him:” while little is known about who this “King Lemuel” was, verse one makes it clear that these were the words of his mother. In verses 10-31, his mother is telling him what to look for in a virtuous woman. As with the passages regarding men, she will not be developed in all of these areas, but you should be able to see these qualities in her life in seed form.

Prov 31:10-31 “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, ALL the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”

Another Passage which shows qualities which young women should be growing in is Titus 2:4-5 which says: “and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

What kind of parent will they be?

Another thing that is very important to think about when observing a person is to remember that if you marry them, they will be the mother or father of your children. What is their view on children? Do their viewpoints line up with yours? How to discipline them, educate them, train them, how many they want and much more are all very important things to make sure you are on the same page with the person of interest. How do they feed themselves and take care of their own body? If they consume an excess of unhealthy food and suffer from nutrition related health problems…remember that this is the person who will be feeding your own children some day if you choose to marry them. So ask yourself…”do I want him to be the father of my children?” “do I want her to be the mother of my children? Think carefully about this one.

As states many times in the last four posts, this is not an exhaustive list of things to look for in the life of a person of interest, nor can you fully observe all of these things without getting to know them on a deeper level. So…what about when you know all you can know about a person of interest from a distance? How do you know if are ready to start a relationship? What’s the best way of going about starting one? This will be addressed in the next post. Don’t miss it!

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Dating Done Differently Pt 5: Does Money Matter?

 As indicated in the last post, and in the title of this one, one of the topics that I will be dealing with is the M-word…money! However, this won’t be the first topic of discussion in today’s post. The first topic of discussion certainly played into the issue of money, but it’s much broader than that. It is the area of…

Maturity

This is something to not only observe the person of interest about, but it is also something to be evaluating in yourself. This can be such a broad topic so I will try to just give a few specific areas where this would come into play. Where do their affections lie? Are they pursuing the things of this world…or the things of Christ? Are they taking on the responsibilities of adulthood or are they filling all of their free time with videogames, moves and many other forms of entertainment? Are they actively preparing for taking on the role of a husband or wife…or are thy giving little thought to the matter? Too many young people spend the majority of their early adult life (18-30s) demanding the privileges of adulthood without wanting to assume the responsibility that comes with it. Is he learning how he can be a godly husband?…a godly father? Is she preparing to be a godly wife?…a godly mother? These are just a few of the many areas of maturity that you should consider as you evaluate a person of interest.

Money

So how does money fit into the equation? By dealing with money am I suggesting that you look for someone with a lot of it? No, that’s not where I am heading with this. I want to deal more with how they handle the green stuff. In the last post, we looked at the importance of observing the family that they grew up in. part of that includes how the rest of the family handles money. If the rest of the family manages money poorly, there is a chance they might have picked up poor financial habits themselves. If their patents gave them everything that they wanted, there is a good possibility that they have not learned the value of a dollar and will go in debt to maintain a much higher standard of living than what they can afford.

But the big question is not how their family handles money, it is how to THEY handle money? Have they learned how to live on a budget? Have they learned to live within their means? There is a major problem within this country. Too many people want to live with a much higher standard of living than what they can afford. This brings me to the next topic of money…

DEBT. We live in a culture that is so obsessed with debt. We borrow for absolutely everything! We borrow for college, we borrow for vehicles, we borrow for homes, and for anything else that we can’t afford, what do we do? We borrow it by putting it on a credit card and just hope that maybe one day we will be able to pay it off!

At this point you might be thinking that all of the things that I just mentioned is normal. Everyone does it! Why should I not do it too? Why is it a problem if he or she does? If this is what you are thinking then it is time to take a good hard look at what the Bible has to say about money and debt. Ps 37:21a says: “The wicked borrows but does not pay back,” Prov 22:7 says: “The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender.” Prov 22:26-27 says: “Be not one of those who give pledges, who put up security for debts. If you have nothing with which to pay, why should your bed be taken from under you?” Eccl 5:5 “It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay.” These are but a few of the many verses that speak on debt. The bible is very clear that Debt is slavery. You can read more about this in the series entitled “Living Within One’s Means: A Lost Concept?”

Prov 21:20 says: “In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has.” If he or she is not living within their means now, and if they are putting themselves in debt slavery now, this very well might not change when you marry them. Do they save any money? Or do they spend it all on making their car cooler, or buying the latest videogame? Do they spend a huge chunk of their paycheck at the mall to keep up with the latest (and most expensive) items of fashion? Most women I know love to shop…and thats not a bad thing. But do they spend tones of money doing so or are they thrifty? Most guys like cars, sports and videogames…and there’s nothing wrong with that in moderation. But do they waste tones of money on those things? If the person you are observing hasn’t learned how to live within their means, and balance their own budget, they are NOT mature enough to consider marriage. Statistics say that money disagreements are the number one reason for divorce in America. That is why it is vitally important that you look at how the person handles money and make sure that you are on the same page.

Another important aspect concerning how they handle money is giving. Do they understand the principle that we are stewards of the money that we have…and all that we have is not ours but rather God has entrusted it to us to manage it for him? Do they give the firsfruits of their income to their local church? Do they financially support those laboring in the Word? Do they help those in need…with money or other avenues of help? Certainly you will not be able to observe the financial details of the person early on, as this is a private thing. However, you can get a sense as to whether or not they have a giving spirit.

It has not been my intent to step on toes or stir up controversy through the topics mentioned in this post Rather, it is my goal to encourage you to think hard about some major issues to be looking at and evaluating in the person that you are interested in. tackling these issues now, before you ever enter in to a relationship might just save you from a lot of problems later on down the road. In the next post I will take the time to mention just a few more things to be considering as you evaluate a person of interest. Everyone knows that Proverbs 31 is a great passage that describes a godly woman…but what passage(s) of scripture describe what a godly man looks like? You won’t want to miss the next post!

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Dating Done Differently Pt 4: Keep Looking!

In the last post I stressed the importance of observing a person before entering into a relationship with them. I cannot stress this enough. Much heartache and headache can be avoided if you slow down and observe a person before you enter into a relationship with them. Last time we looked at the importance of making sure that a person of interest is indeed a believer before you enter into a relationship with them. So what else should you be looking for?

Spiritual Maturity

Not only is it important to ensure that the person that you pursue (or are pursued by) is a believer, but it is also important to make sure that he or she is growing spiritually. Are they plugged into a local church? If so, is it a healthy church? Or a dying church? Do they submit themselves to the authorities in their lives? do they regularly spend time in the Word of God? Does Christ and his Word regularly come up in conversation…or so they spend most of their time talking about frivolous things? Do they understand the God ordained biblical roles of headship and submission in a marriage relationship as laid out in the scriptures? Do they understand the reality of depravity? Do they understand the reality of grace? Do they push others toward being like Christ? These are some of the questions to be asking yourself about the person’s spiritual maturity as you observe.

Family Life

This is an important but often time neglected area of observation. While flags that you see in this area may not necessarily be an automatic no go, they bear careful consideration and objective evaluation. The families that we are raised in play a huge part in shaping who we are. If a person grew up with parents who have a healthy relationship and maintain healthy boundaries with their children and with others, there is a good possibility that he or she will be more inclined to have a healthy spousal relationship, and understand the importance of boundaries. If on the other hand, there is a parent who is closer with one or more of the children than he or she is with his or her spouse, this may negatively play into a relationship with the person, should you pursue one.

Another important consideration when looking at their family relationships is how mom and dad treat each other, since they are the primary examples that has been observed by the person of interest throughout their life. If mom is a controlling person, there is also a chance that daughter will end up being like the primary example that she observed throughout her life. If dad treats mom poorly, there is a chance that son may treat you that way…seeing that this is what he has seen as how to be a husband as he grew up. These statements cannot be taken as what will be the case in every situation, it is important to look for flags, and if you notice them, talk to the person of interest…don’t simply assume that they recognize the flags…ask them if they notice the flags that are there. If they don’t notice the flags that you see, they will be likely to fall into the same pitfalls. Also, keep in mind how a young man treats his mother or how a young lady treats her father might possibly be a good indication of how they will treat their spouse in marriage. Don’t take this lightly. I know many people that have found themselves in bad marriages because they ignored the warning signs beforehand.

Teachable

This is an important one. We all have areas in our lives that we need to work on, and areas of sin that we need to get right. But how does the other person deal with correction? Prov 15:32 says: “Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.” Also, as we move from one stage of life to another, living at home to living on one’s own; single to relationship; relationship to engaged; engaged to married; married without kids to becoming parents; kids in the home to kids leaving the home, whatever the case, each one of these transitional periods in life present us with a new series of challenges and difficulties that we need to deal with. So how do we learn to be good spouses, good parents, good employees, good conflict solvers? God’s Word has principles for each of these situations and more. God also designed the body of Christ to be a place where we can teach others through His Word and through how we have applied it in our own experiences. Couples who have been married 20,30,40 years can teach newlywed couples much about how to overcome the difficulties of dealing with miscommunication. Seasoned parents have much advice to offer to brand new parents. While we do need to screen everything that we hear through the grid of scripture, it is vital that we are open to learning from the other believers that God places in our lives. If he or she is not teachable, this could present major issues in a marriage as they are not willing to listen to the counsel of others. Prov 18:1 says: “He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom.” Beware of someone who won’t listen to counsel!

These are just a few of the areas where you need to be evaluating a person of you are considering them for a relationship. While you certainly won’t be able to observe every aspect of the areas listed prior to pursuing, it is still important to have as much of an idea as you can…and continue evaluating once a relationship has begun. In the next post I will deal with (among other issues) what to observe in relation to how they handle money. Stay tuned!!

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Dating Done Differently Pt 3: Look Before You Leap!

Last time we looked at the purpose of dating. Is it wise to go out on many different dates with many different people so that you can have a good time?…(recreational dating) Or is there more wisdom in pursuing a relationship with one person, keeping God first and prayerfully considering marriage?…(dating/courting relationship). While this is not true across the board, I believe that many times the practice of recreational dating lends itself to divorce later on in marriage, as it promotes the mindset of “if I don’t love them anymore, or if they don’t make me happy anymore…I’ll just find someone else”. However, in an actual relationship, the focus should be what does God want for our lives rather than what I want…because if we are striving to be more like Christ, than what we want will end up being what God wants.

So…If marriage is what is in view, then prior to entering into a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it is vitally important that you observe the person of interest before pursuing a relationship with them. I cannot stress the importance of this. If you enter into a relationship without observing, it is too easy to let attachment grow, therefore overlooking red flags when they eventually do appear. In these situations, (when you don’t observe first) when red flags do become evident, it becomes very easy to convince yourself that they don’t exist. However, observing (BEFORE you jump into a relationship with a person) will help you to spot many of the flags that are there and avoid an unhealthy relationship altogether. I know many people who regret not observing before entering into a relationship with a person.

When I say observing, some people get the wrong idea that I am speaking about stalking or something of that nature. This is certainly not the case. What I am talking about however is watching how they interact with people…do they have healthy family relationships and friendships? What do they spend most of their time doing? What do they value in life? How important is God to them? Are they truly a believer? And so on. Finding out much of this information can be done WITHOUT entering into a relationship with them or talking them out on dates. Look for ways to spend time with them in groups. Strike up casual non-flirtatious conversations with them. Ask people you trust what they think about the person of interest. Utilize social media. There are many ways to find out much of what you need to know about a person before you start dating them.

Now that we have established that the end goal of dating should indeed be marriage, and that you must observe before pursuing, I would like to take the time here and in the next few posts to help you to think about what to look for in a person that you might consider entering into a relationship with. If you haven’t taken the time to solidify in your mind what qualities you look for in a spouse, it would be safe to say that you are not ready to consider entering into a relationship. Since time and space forbids me to give an exhaustive list of what to look for (or not to look for) I will only give some broad, main areas that you should be considering about the person that you are observing.

Born-again Believer

I will conclude this post by dealing with the most important thing that you want to me certain of in the person you are observing. 2Co 6:14-15 says: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?” while this applies to many areas of life, this ESPECIALLY applies to the area of marriage. A marriage relationship is supposed to be the closest relationship that we will have in this life (humanly speaking). Eph 5:22-33 shows us that God designed marriage to be a picture of Christ and his church.

So how do you know whether a person of interest is a believer or not? Is hearing their salvation testimony, or the fact that they go to church enough to prove that they are believers? Unfortunately many people will make an assessment of a person of interest’s eternal condition solely based upon a mere profession of faith. “I prayed a prayer when I was little” or something of that nature seems to suffice for many. While it is important to hear a profession of faith, Paul writes in 1Tim 1:16 concerning apostates: “They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work.” This verse (alongside many others) shows that even unsaved people can still make professions of faith. This is why it is absolutely vital that you observe their lives to see if they actually do bare the fruits of the Spirit…the Spirit whom they claim they possess. This can only be done through observation!

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEEP!!!

In the next few posts I will dig into some more specifics as to what exactly to look for in a person as you observe them. We will look at things such as their spiritual maturity, how they handle money, their family background, and much more. Don’t miss it!

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Dating Done Differently Pt 2: What is its Purpose?

In the last post I gave a few first person type examples of what different people might experience in relation to dating, specifically motivations for dating. I also challenged you to think critically about why we go about dating the way we do. Is it because we have intentionally thought through it and have evaluated our thoughts and opinions against the Word of God to see how they line up? Or do we just go with the flow and allow Hollywood and our culture to shape the way we go about relationships?

I submit to you that unless you have taken the time to think through in your own mind, and develop your own philosophy of dating (not just merely parroting what mom and dad say, or doing what everyone else does), you are NOT ready to enter into such a practice. If you enter the world of premarital, opposite sex, romantic relationships without understanding why you are doing what you are doing, or without having purposefully thought through some clear standards and boundaries, you are unnecessarily opening yourself up to many physical and emotional dangers. Dangers which could be avoided if you understand the “why” behind the “do” BEFORE you go and “do”. I am not asking you to believe everything I present as what I believe in this series. Rather, I am asking you to objectively evaluate your own beliefs.

So what is the purpose of Dating? What are some different philosophies out there? When some use the term “dating”, they are referring to going out with a variety of individuals of the opposite sex, in order to get to know people, and to have a good time with them. Others, when they use the term, use it to speak of a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex, with the primary purpose of prayerfully seeing if the person whom they are “dating” is the one that God has for them to marry.

Many would consider the last definition as “courtship”. I personally like the term courtship because it distinguishes the practice from that of what is described in the first definition…something I like to term “recreational dating”. Another reason why I prefer the term courtship, is because it is a great conversation starter. When I tell people that I am courting a certain young lady, simply using the term usually provides me a platform to share with them much of the information that I am presenting in this series. However, since both the terms “Dating” and “Courting” bring many different things to mind with many different people, I will use the term “Relationship” throughout the rest of the series to describe a committed relationship where God is first, and marriage is the end goal.

In an article in Christianity Today entitled “Dating Is NOT About Marriage” http://www.crosswalk.com/11621158/?ps=0 An excerpt from a book by Dr. Henry Cloud, Cloud writes: “Dating is as much about learning what you need and want, and how you need to grow and change, as it is about finding the “right” person.” He then goes on to say in his article that because dating should be about many other things other than just marriage, we should all go on dates with many different people, without allowing marriage to be the main focus. While it is true, dating can help you learn much about how you need to grow and change, there are far better avenues for this than recreational dating. Also, I believe the dangers in the practice of recreational dating far outweigh any possible benefits.

When you ask a person out on a date, even when the intentions are clearly expressed as initially somewhat plutonic, there is still much room left for expectations that are much higher. Proverbs 13:12 says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” When one of the people on the date has higher expectations, and the other is just looking for a good time, hope is deferred. Therefore, this lends itself to much more emotional hurt than is necessary.

Proverbs 4:23 says:  “Guard your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” Going out on dates with many different people just to get to know people is a setup for a painful emotional rollercoaster. Also, dating just for a good time makes it much harder to guard our hearts. When we don’t guard our hearts, we can easily lose sight of what we know is right and wrong, and find ourselves making decisions based upon our feelings. When “having a good time” is the purpose of dating, it becomes much easier to go farther than we should physically, because the motivation in this mentality of dating is our own selfish desires rather than the other person’s best interest and the glory of God.

So what should the purpose of a dating/courting relationship be? I believe that it should be to get to know someone, (you’ve already evaluated to a degree) who you believe is a serious marriage potential, to see if this is indeed the person that God has for you to marry. In this, the focus should be the other person’s best interest, and ultimately God’s glory…NOT merely our own selfish desires. If you don’t think you could marry a person, then I believe it is unwise to date that person. Dr. Henry Cloud writes in his article called Dating is not about marriage that you can’t know what you need in a spouse if you don’t date around. To this, I disagree. I believe that as believers, people who desire for God’s Word to reign supreme in our lives, we can know what we need in a spouse…and we can learn this though God’s Word. This will be the topic of the next few posts: What to look for in a potential spouse.

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Dating Done Differently pt1: Where do I begin?

“It’s so hard! All the other guys have girlfriends and I have nobody! While everyone else is taking their girlfriends out to the movies and other fun things on the weekends, I’m stuck at home because I don’t have anybody! I want a girlfriend to have fun with too! I’m tired of being the only one without a girl! I know it will be years before I can provide for a family, but I’m not thinking about that right now. I just want to have fun! I mean, that’s what dating is all about right? Having fun! I need to start looking around for someone who will be my girlfriend.”

“I’m 23, and I’m still single! I have been a bride’s maid twice this year already, and I’ve just been asked to be the maid of honor this fall in my best friend’s wedding! I mean, I am happy for them, but it’s so hard to see all of them getting married, and here I am still single, with no prospects in sight. Is there something wrong with me? Why is nobody interested in me? Are my standards of what I want in a man too high? My life just won’t be complete until I have a man that loves me. Maybe I should not be so picky about what type of guy I’m looking for. Perhaps I should settle for the next guy that shows interest.”

“Wow! I just met this awesome girl! She was so much fun…I just loved hanging out with here this afternoon! From what I can tell, she really seems like she loves the Lord, and that’s a good thing right? I mean, I know I just met her today, but wow! I feel like we really clicked! I know I don’t know her that well but this feels so right! I have never felt this way before! I think I’m going to ask her on a date this weekend, yeah! That’s what I’m going to do!”

“That was sooooooo hard! I have never hurt so much before in my life! I thought he really loved me, and I had all these hopes and dreams about what our lives together could look like! And just like that, it’s gone. He said his feelings for me have changed, and he just wants to be friends. Now there is this huge void in my life! I don’t know how I’m going to handle this! But there is another guy that’s interested in me, and he seems really sweet. He told me that he would like to go out with me this weekend, and I think I just might take him up on his offer. Maybe I won’t hurt so much if there is someone else in my life that cares about me!”

Can you relate to ever feeling like one of the examples above? Maybe you can relate to one of them right now. If you have read other posts on my Blog over the past few months and you are thinking that the title of this series sounds strangely familiar, well that’s because a few months ago I did a series on a different topic but using a similar title. The other series was entitled: “College Done Differently” Just as the last series, this series also is born out of a desire to challenge people to think critically. As Christians, we live in an age where the thoughts and patterns of the World infiltrate and influence the Church in a much greater degree than it should. All too often we tend to go through life and make major decisions based upon the fact that that’s what culture expects of us…and many times we don’t even realize it!”

As you read through this series, you might find yourself thinking “this is weird” or “I don’t know if I agree with this guy” or maybe even, “he seems a bit legalistic”. If this is the case, and you find yourself disagreeing with some or all of what I say, I challenge you to ask the question “Why do I disagree with what I am saying?” if you genuinely believe I am wrong, that is one thing. But if you think that I’m wrong because what I am presenting is opposed to how YOU want to do things, I challenge you to ask the Lord to align your thinking to His, regardless of who is right or wrong. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me, but we all NEED to be evaluating every decision we make, and the way we operate in every area of life with the Word of God. Don’t just go with the flow and jump into dating (which is such an important area of life), doing what everyone else does without thinking critically about it, and using God’s Word as your standard.

In the coming posts I will discuss some very important aspects of dating such as its purpose; what you should be looking for in a person you want to date; some things to think about as you consider entering into a relationship, and considerations to think about while you are in a dating relationship. I hope this series will be helpful to you. Stay tuned! In the next post we will take a look at what is the purpose of dating. You won’t want to miss this!

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